I have come across my share of women who just bother me. I have termed them Low-Self Esteemers, LSEs for short. The reasons that they bother me are listed below. The most basic reason is because I am one. So I want to outline the stupid shit we pull and try to ... well, not pull it again.
/begin rant
LSEs view love differently. When an LSE approaches someone (PSO, possible significant other) and PSO gives them the time of day, buys a drink, or smiles their way, this action boosts their weary ego into a new high. They equate PSO's action with how it makes them feel; this ego boost usually transfers into a “loved” feel. The LSE does not smile or buy someone a drink or make time for a person unless they are a PSO candidate AND a “sure thing”. So in their mind, if PSO is doing said action, LSE translates this into “like,” “interest,” or “love.” A few conversations later and LSE is feeling really good. Really happy. They equate this happiness, this ego boost, with this feeling of being loved. They think that this person loves them, or at least likes them. This is not always true; in fact, it is hardly true. Usually, this person is someone of higher self esteem and is just being friendly or flirty or even not doing anything, but being nice.
Enter LSE’s neuroticism. LSEs tend to be someone who gets angry if PSO looks at another girl/guy, pissed off when PSO doesn’t call or IM them the next day; or even worse, because they were just being nice, they get upset and depressed when they find out PSO has a significant other.
LSEs are also naïve and very loving, even and especially to PSOs. They idolize them even though they don’t truly know . All they know is how the PSO makes them feel with their kind gestures. They are happier with the thought of how the PSO can make their lives better and themselves better than with how PSO really is. LSEs are known to be the cause of the “change the man” myth. They “know” how the PSO makes them feel and if the PSO faults in any way, they know that because of LSE's love, the PSO can and will change. LSEs may have low self esteem, but they are high in denial and ready to give it their all to make sure that the PSO is happy thereby making LSE happy.
/end rant
/begin WAKE UP CALL
LSEs wake up. You are not in love with the person, you are in love with an idea of what you think this person can give you. Why not try to fall for someone whom you know, not someone who you think you can change into what you want. Guess what, no one changes; it’s a sad truth. The comic book lover will not fork over 100s of dollars to buy you jewelry. The addict will always be an addict, they will just have periods of latency. The romantic will always be a romantic, until you tell him that being romantic annoys you and then you will end up losing him to someone that appreciates his love notes and charms.
LSE’s… find yourself. Know who you are. Then you will attract someone who appreciates you, who loves you and who wants to be around you and not the blonde bimbo. You will never find a suitable mate until you are okay with yourself. Being single is not a curse. It’s time that you get to spend finding yourself and being yourself. It’s time without kids, without a mortgage, without an SO hounding you for a backrub when you yourself need one. Enjoy it, embrace it. Then when The One comes, you will be ready.
There are many different types of art out there. Someone paints a masterpiece and it’s not
until many years later that it is understood and appreciated and some art lover
pays millions for it. There are many
different art lovers out there; some who appreciate vases, little porcelain
dogs, or graffiti on passing walls.
Don’t sell yourself for $20 to the first buyer. Sell yourself for what you are worth. There is someone out there who will
appreciate you and love you for all your colors, shapes, lines,
imperfections. Don’t settle. Make sure you get someone who loves you for
you and not for what they think you can be.
And be that person for them as well.
/end
There have been few constants in my life. I have moved around a lot, so I usually end up making shallow relationships with people and then leaving them a few years later. I say shallow, because none of them have continued beyond the constraints of my physical surroundings. Granted, I was young and keeping friends long distance is hard when you can never see them, but still.
So, after Leather Boy, I moved twice in one year. Nothing significant in the man-searching realm happened my last year of middle school, nor the first few months of high school at the first place.
However, when I moved again, within the first week of school I already met my North Star. The first constant in my life. Neither one of us would know what we would truly mean to each other, but it all started in my Advanced English class.
This class was made up of the cream of the crop. And the school was small enough that you could fit into multiple cliques and high school cliches at once. There was the band dork / nerd / cross country runner / baseball pitcher; the ladies' man / band dork / nerd / cross country runner; the class clown / mascot / basketball player / nerd / band dork ... and the list goes on. And all of them were hotties in their own right. And all of them I had crushes on. But, I get ahead of myself.
North Star (NS) was the first real guy to ever hit on me and flirt with me. Usually I start the flirting and get turned down. Instead, he started and I reacted like a starving Somalian reacts to food being placed in front of them. This was awesome. He's intelligent, he's into a lot of my likes, and he is flirting with me. Jackpot!
By that Wednesday, we spent lunches together and he started putting his arm around me. By that Friday, he got the nerve to actually ask me out. Me, starving, said, "Yes," right away. I was soooooo excited.
That Saturday was a Marching Band competition. I wasn't really a part because I had come too late in the year to learn the routine and get a spot on the field for me, but I went anyways. NS and I sat together on the bus and were "couple-ish." I was quite proud of myself. Obviously, I had been honest with my feelings for him (getting over Trend 1) and he really liked me for me.
NS: "I love you."
Me: "..."
What? Wait. This guy has known me for a week... A WEEK! And is already ready to say, "I love you,"??????
Me: "Ummm.... what?"
NS: "I love you. It's okay, you can say it back to me."
Inside I am checking my hearing, making sure I can see straight and can read his lips the right way.
I tried to think about this too. Was I just not realizing that my "like" for him could really be love? I mean, I had never experienced love before, and this feeling was new...
Then, I smacked myself awake.
No, I did not love this guy. I barely knew this guy. But, I liked him enough not to laugh in his face. How will I let him down gently? What can I say?
Me: "Look, this is just too sudden. I like you, but I am ... trying to get over my ex-boyfriend."
There goes Trend 1.
Me: "Yeah, I just thought I could get over him quickly, but I was wrong. I... I want to breakup."
He took it well. I moved from the bus seat to sit with another friend. He balled up in the corner and just sat there the entire ride home.
My first experience of "gossip" happened the next school day.
Friend: "Just wanted to warn you. NS is spreading a rumor that you are really a boy."
Me: "WHAT????"
Friend: "Yeah, and that you had a sex change and moved here to start a new life."
Me: "WHAT????"
Friend: "And that is why you have such big breasts; ''cause they can't possibly be real'. Or so he says."
Me: All you hear is laughter. Loud, piercing laughter. I laughed so hard I started crying. So did she. It was the best story I had EVER heard. I mean, of course! Why did I break up with him? Because he found out my secret!
Thus ended boys flirting with me for about 2 years. I don't think another boy flirted with me until my Junior year. Sad, huh?
So, what did we learn here?
Lesson 1: DATING is important. Not every flirt has to lead to a relationship. Especially not in a weeks time.
Lesson 2: Gossip really sucks. People should think for themselves and not be led by the "word on the street" that comes from a disheartened jerk
Lesson 3: Forgiveness. Remember, he is my constant.
Every problem starts somewhere. I think my first man-problem began with "Leather-Jacket-Boy". We'll use "Leather" for short.
Leather and I knew each other in middle school. We lived near each other and got on the bus at the same bus stop. We had the typical boy-girl relationship; he threw ketchup packets at me from trees and I slapped him in the face and got detention for it. In fact, we fought so much, everyone referred to us as "The Married Couple." Now, don't get me wrong, boys weren't "icky," this one was just a jerk. He was always mean to me. Like, ALWAYS.
Then, one day, he came to the bus stop wearing a leather jacket. For some reason, we didn't fight. He didn't start talking trash and I didn't rebut by hitting him. We were civil.
The next day, same jacket, and same weird behavior. We got on the bus and he sat next to me. Then, the most bizarre thing happened. We started talking to each other... like, talking; no yelling, no slapping; talking.
The rest of the week, things got weirder. One day, we were flirting with each other. Day after, his arm was around me. Day after, I put my head on his shoulder and slept on the dark bus on the way to school (we were up at around 6:30 am to get to our school by 7:00 am).
The next week, he lost the leather jacket, but we didn't lose the behavior. We continued to be civil to each other. This is where the flirting started though. The "Picking-On-You" flirting. It was such a weird transition, but it lasted the rest of our relationship. We'd pick on each other and hit each other in this flirty manner.
We started liking each other. Who knew some dead cow could make this happen???
We continued on like this for about a year and a half. But, we never actually told each other how we felt. And I think because of the "Picking-On-You" flirting, we were never really sure if one actually liked the other.
My 8th grade year, my family had to move. On the bus, where most of our relationship actually took place, I was trying to tell him that I am moving. And I wanted to tell him that I liked him. But, I couldn't. I tried the next day, and the next. But, I never could get myself to tell him.
One day, I couldn't take it anymore. So I asked him out. He replied with, "But you are moving."
Me: (Surprised that he knew I was moving) "Yeah, but we can at least try something before I leave."
Leather: "No, I don't think so."
Me: "..."
Leather: "And, like, whatever. I didn't really like you anyway," tear starting to build in his eye.
Me: "Okay. Sorry for troubling you."
And with that, he got off the bus and went home. My last few days there, we didn't talk much. My final day there, I said goodbye to him and he looked at me, waved, then ran home.
So, what went wrong here? What did I do here that would either start or continue onto other relationships?
Trend 1: Honesty. I was never honest with my feelings. And, not only that, but I never let that person really know. I would rather play stupid than admit to someone that I like them without knowing that they like me first. But, this "hiding" aspect got worse. Or, got better, and that made things worse.
Trend 2: Selfishness. Yes, selfishness. In those last weeks there, I didn't have to change our relationship. All I should have done is kiss him goodbye and leave it at that. But, I wanted to "have him" or to at least say that I did. I didn't take his feelings into account.
Trend 3: Timing. I have THE WORST timing when it comes to things. And I think that a big part of it is that I tend to take a long time to fall in love with someone. I usually fall in love with friends and we all know what happens when you try to start a relationship with friends. (At least in my case we know that it hasn't yet worked out.)
I should start a blog with the answer to the question, "Why?"
I want to find out why I can't seem to meet the right guy. I want to find out why I have some great experiences, but then something goes horribly wrong. I want to find out why I feel more comfortable around guys younger than me. I want to find out what the reasons were that the guys left me. I want to find out why I left them.
Basically, this is an effort to analyze what has happened in my life and give myself the possibility to reflect on it all in one space. Sure, I have thought about all of these instances before, but usually no more than one at a time. I mean, come on, who wants to spend a night with Ben and Jerry's reflecting on all the past loves of your life? >.>
Why am I posting it online? Well, I have found out that by talking to people, I come to conclusions faster. Also, I actually COME TO CONCLUSIONS. Let's face it, when reflecting on yourself, you'd rather just sit there and wallow then really try to tell yourself that you are at fault. And I KNOW that I am not perfect. So, I need to figure out what my flaws are and what mistakes I have made so I can truly try not to make them again.
